If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”