Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
You Might Also Like
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!