Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
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Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁