The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!