This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
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Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there