[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
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Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I think I’ll stand
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Oh boy, $150,000!
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
If looks could kill
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid