I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
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Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I feel seen.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.