me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
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Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?