Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Leaving the Barbers like
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.