They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
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On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Home #decor warning.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep