Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.