hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
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My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
#FunnyLife Insects
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs