I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Meat Cute
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.