Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
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Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.