I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
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I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.