….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.