So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.