Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no