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If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows