WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
You Might Also Like
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?