waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
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if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
new record!
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.