Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
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Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Dolls on drugs
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing