If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
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The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
This made me chuckle cuz mood
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I self medicate, therefore you live.