Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
You Might Also Like
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Meeeee too!
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
how to have fun when you’re poor
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions