REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
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Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Saw online –
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Liquor Store Parking
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]