So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
You Might Also Like
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Pass gas, not judgment.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP