Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Well, that should do it
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
ok this is my dumbest yet
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.