Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Ferrari squats
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
For the baby who has everything
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom