Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Jogging has never helped my memory.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably