Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower