Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
You Might Also Like
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.