The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
never deleting this app.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”