*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
He took my last fry, your honor
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.