best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
You Might Also Like
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I beg your pardon?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect