My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full