i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
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Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.