I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
This is sending me to another galaxy
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
prepare for carbonated trouble
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.