the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
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Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.