ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
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I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?