Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Milk Cube
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”