*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
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A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
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Morningbreath
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
don’t we all