My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
When ur friends with white people
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Only a mother’s love …
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD