my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
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[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Dear Lord..
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on