Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
#parenting
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]