My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
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Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me