Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
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You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
is this a warning or an offer?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.