I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
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Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”