Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
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People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Stonehinge
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say