Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
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I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I am all good here, 😂😉
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
*Seductively hides in the woods
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.