SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
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UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.